Dear 2009 (an obscene rant)

Fuck you. Fuck you, 2009, Fuck you so hard fuck you.

Let's start at the end, shall we? Where you smite my fiance and I with illness JUST SO so that the timing is such that The Holidays and the Great Wedding Caper aren't fucked - but me seeing my family is. Sure, we get to do the 20 hours + driving for a CHRISTMAS WEDDING IN MICHIGAN, but the 4 hour round trip to Delaware? fucked.

Now let me take you back, back back in time to January, when it was fucking cold and I had to take the metro AND a fucking bus to the virginia rehearsal space for that show I was in. Remember when you fucked me ON NEW YEAR'S DAY?! WHEN THERE WAS NO BUS!? REMEMBER THAT!? Fuck you, 2009.

Remember when no one saw that show in February? I mean, my parents, their parents, my boss - but did anyone see it? No. And not many liked it. Fuck you, 2009. OH YEAH and then later that company folded, which really sucks for them, but marginally also sucks for me because now I have an obsolete theatre on my pretty sad resume? Fuck you, 2009.

Remember planning and laboring over the Birthday at work? Sure everything went off just fine, but that month SUCKED. Fuck you, 2009.

Granted - summer was awesome. So... props to 2006 on that one for the reason this summer was good. Fuck you, 2009, you get NO credit. Because you killed, like, 8 celebrities this year and at least 3 of them were that summer. And they were good people, too.

I will also give you late October-early December. All well and good, scheduling goes off without a hitch - but, what's that 2009? CSmith's going broke!? FUCK YOU, 2009!!!

And now we come to today when, after a week of holidays, road trips, events and work, I now have to postpone seeing MY FAMILY. AGAIN, 2009. Fuck you.

Dreams!

I don't know if it was the 10 hours of sleep, or the freshly baked test batch of cookies I ate beforehand, but I finally had a dream I can remember! Unfortunalement, it was scary...

I was in a play that was a series of short scenes having nothing to do with each other. In my scene I was interviewing a teenage girl to dogsit for me, and her mom came with her. At the end of my scene I brutally murdered them. Like hacking limbs and stuff. At first it was all stage magic, of course. Later another character was introduced who looked like Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd and who was forcing me to commit these murders. He slew a very Mrs. Lovitt-looking lady onstage one night, which seemed like part of the scene, but it wasn't. The scene started happening in real life almost Groundhog Daily. I would invite the girl and her mother to an apartment, interview them, and then have to stand by while Johnny Todd killed them. There was also some underlying sexual tension where I had to pretend (for my life) that I was in love/lust with Johnny Todd. at first in this part it was a Summit Hills apartment where I was still living with Berry and Julie, but it became swankier as the dream went on. It was also still the same girl and mother team, but sometimes there'd be a little sister, too. And I knew this family - I babysat for them when I was a teenager. REVEAL Johnny Todd's past... a group of creepy actors (?) unexplained who travel around with Johnny Todd. Lovitt-lady is there, a young boy, an older boy, and a skinny pretty boy called Trinculo. Johnny Todd kills off everyone in the group one by one except Lovitt-lady, but Trinculo runs downstairs to a shower room to hide - it was me, I was Trinculo - a girl disguised as a boy. JT found me anyway, and insisted I come with him. I tried to leave a clue on the ground as he dragged me away, but he returned it to me in our new apartment saying something like "nice try."

Why Adapt Shakespeare?

Hello Friends, in my continuing quest to understand the big Shakes, I come to you with another question:

Why adapt Shakespeare?

Shakespeare himself adapted writers like Holinshed, Ovid, Marlowe, and more; but he didn't exactly attribute them. Nowadays we adapt his work to our own modern understanding, and we still put his name on it. Why? They're good new plays or movies or songs on their own, why do we need to attribute the work to his? Marketing? Guilt? Status?

Does it help an audience if they watch Wishbone (what's the story!?!) compare his own adventures to that of Romeo, Prospero, or Prince Hal? Does it reach more people if Katarina's mommy issues are delivered up front, and Petruchio gives her a guitar at the end to some kicking ska? How is Synetic able to get across so much of the text we recognize without saying a word? How awesome are Rufus Wainwright's song renditions of sonnets? Is all of this still "Shakespeare"?

As playwrights, actors, and educators - what about Shakespeare makes him so ripe for adaptation?

My personal belief is that there are two surviving facets of Shakespeare's work: his words and his characters. And that they can be independant of each other. His words are incredible poetry, and wonderfully descriptive, creative, and moving words. But his characters are living, breathing people with human emotions and human experiences - and they're so complicated that we're still trying to figure them out and/or reimagine them today. His words, on the other hand, have been almost mutilated by pop culture. Case In Point: A fashionable shoe store at Union Station (Shoe Woo) uses a quote from Titus Andronicus to advertise their wares ("she is beautiful, and therefore to be wooed..."). A quote which, in the play, is spoken by a rapist. Context?

Not even a year ago I said this: "Shakespeare’s language is what is important in his work. It is important to see and enjoy the plays, but if you update his language all you’re left with is the plot and some jokes. The plots are unoriginal, and are adaptations themselves – and who’s to say that Shakespeare isn’t adapted ALL THE TIME! It’s done – but what is important about preserving his plays is to hear that language in use, and to understand what a true understanding of language and human existence is." And now I'm not so sure I feel that way. I don't know that the language is vital to the experience anymore. Especially after reading 'Shakespearean Afterlives' (http://www.amazon.com/Shakespearean-Afterlives-Characters-Life-Their/dp/184046643X).

Thoughts? Answers? Shakespearean Adaptation is a special passion of mine - so I'm very interested in response. Why do we adapt Shakespeare?

Twilight Can Suck It

Here are the best parodies I've seen so far! Did you read yesterday's essay by me? I held back a lot of my bile, promise!



Twilight Fans Get Punked

Skyler Stone MySpace Video


Evil Slutopia: If the New Moon Hype is Making You Want a Vampire Boyfriend...


http://www.geekologie.com/2009/11/for_you_twihards_three_wolf_mo.php

Video Games - E3 2010 - Comedy

http://www.ultracondensedmovies.com/2009/07/twilight.html

My Essay, by CSmith 11/24/09

Dear Internets - I know you're truly swamped with Twilight/New Moon/Team Edward junk right now, so my pithy statements mean nothing in this black hole of l33t commented information. [sidebar - l33t? I am so sick of seeing writin lik dis u no y? cuz its fuckin TRASHY. grow up, internet] I feel, however, that I must write for 2 reasons. 1) I miss writing essays the night before they're due and totally loving the outcome anyway and 2) I have some super strong feelings about literacy and behavioral effects. So, I give you my non ALA-formatted statements.

The fantasy genre has by turns entertained, educated, and emotionally connected to modern readers. The last decade has seen a boom in young adult book consumption due to international success story Harry Potter, and - due to a very successful movie adaptation - The Lord of the Rings. Fans of these books joined their heroes on cross-country adventures and coming-of-age friendships. Readers felt a kinship to the awkward Potter, who had to grow into his destiny and even his own history in 7 short adolescent years; and/or forged a bond to the intrepidly courageous Frodo (or Sam, for some of us) who put his entire life behind him for one world-saving endeavor. Authors Rowling and Tolkein created rich mythologies, varied cultures, and dimensional characters and relationships within these pages, leaving no stone unturned and no law of their (created) nature broken.

Stephanie Meyer's Twilight "saga" has also been wildly popular for the last couple of years. The forbidden romance between the real world and unreal is irresistible for authors, since it can be both imaginative and passionate. Vampires especially have experienced a re-birth through Meyer since her creation of the Cullen clan reinvented* the "vegetarian" vampire to ones who consciously choose not to attack humans and hunt wild animals instead. The romance between "everygirl" teen Bella Swan and Edward "emo-death" Cullen is one of limits both social and magical, and readers are inevitably forced to wonder for the umpteenth time "How will a vampire-human relationship work?"

Unlike Tolkein and Rowling, however, Meyer uses neither imagination nor credible detail. Where Rowling paints vivid main characters and relationships, Meyer recycles words, emotions and plotlines over 4 books - not to mention the first-person self-deprecation of Bella's character. Frodo experiences doubt in his quest to destroy the Ring, mostly substantiated by the Ring itself - but never is it as whiny and truly fishy as Bella's. Her self-loathing is as credible as that of that person who enjoys constant reinforcement, "No, seriously, you're really pretty. I love your haircut, stop saying you hate it. etc"

Some might say that it's unfair to pit the 17 year old Bella against the characters from Potter and LOTR. I will say only that Harry faced down Voldemort at 17. Faced certain death. AND got the girl. With really only one book of emo whining (OOTP) and Merry, who started with the maturity level of a college freshman, becomes a rousing leader in recruiting the Ents to war and insists on fighting by Eowyn's side against the Witch King. /drops mic/

I could go on and on about Meyer's terrible writing style, but I'll just wrap up with this: an Author creates the rules of the world they're writing about. She built her mythologies over 3 books. Then promptly obliterated them in the 4th. Totally. Forgot. or Ignored. Everything. /drops mic/**

Briefly, let's look at substance. Specifically, relationships since there's just too much ground to cover. (I swear I could write a friggin' book as long as Eclipse felt about how bad Twilight is...)

In all three books, relationships take a main seat in the action.

Harry forges friendships, frenemyships, and romantic relationships with the other students, teachers, and families in the Wizarding world. His home life is devoid of love as his aunt and uncle give him only the basic necessities of survival, and sound abuse besides. The overriding theme of his story, the "life lesson" if you will, is that love is the most potent, powerful thing in the world. In the fight against evil, all efforts would come to naught if Harry didn't have Ron, Hermione and Ginny at his back, and Dumbledore's, Sirius's, and his parents' sacrifices for his own life. While he can sometimes be a dick (again OOTP), there is something about Harry's charisma and deep emotion that inspires those around him to bond with him and work to protect him, and through him their own world.

The Fellowship of the Ring is not one group of friends, but a series of friendships (likely and unlikely) and a similar "common good" mentality that bands the questing group on a mission together. Races at odds with each other (elves and dwarves, men and halflings) are working against a common enemy to restore balance to the world as they know it - and so lose their racial biases in the process. Gimli and Legolas's unlikely friendship is the best example of this - they reluctantly join the Fellowship each to represent his own people and end up being one of the best orc-slaying teams on the field. It's not only unlikely friendships in the Fellowship, though, there are also familial friendships like Sam and Frodo. Frodo says it himself - without Sam, there would be no Frodo. Without Sam, the quest would have ended almost as soon as it had begun after Frodo slipped from Boromir's hands. Without the love Sam poured out into Frodo, into the void the Ring was leaving for that love, Frodo could not have succeeded. Also, Gandalf's sacrifice (my hands are starting to hurt). I'll let Megan chime in on the Hero-Mythiness of it all - but that's about as much as I want to cover.

Twilight is about Bella's relationship to Edward and Bella's relationship to Jacob and Bella's relationship to... Bella. The driving force of feeling is her almost destructive love for Edward. There is no greater good to be seen, except that the Cullen's are, like, OK for vampires. They're ok people who happen to be uber rich. Done. Families aren't even that important to the story. The Cullen Clan keeps saying things like "we're a family, family first, etc" but they all sort of melt into the background of what could have been an interesting story. Jacob's werewolf clan? Totally a boys' club of testosterone and macho (even that one chick who joined the clan and ruined everything or something). Bella's family? Mom ignores her because it's convenient and Dad's awkward so it's ok to toss that all out the window for a guy. Because that's really all it's about - there are evils and conflicts and dark stuff, but all of it takes a backseat to the sparkling godliness of Edward. And whoops! all conflict resolved by the last page anyway. Hooray! No one had to die! (Seriously? I can suggest a knockoff or two...)

Now, I'm aware that not everyone who read LOTR participates in LARP quests, or speaks elvish, or calls their future children hobbits because they will exhibit the characteristics of these little people. I'm aware that not everyone who read the big HP now owns a digital wand with which they practice spells (swish and FLICK!) or worships satanic demon gods (what?) or throw Wizarding World dress-up parties. I'm aware that anything that gets people, especially young people, reading and enjoying reading is inherently a "good thing."

HOWEVER - I believe that the content and substance of what young people read affects them. The magical worlds of HP and LOTR take a supporting role to the substance of the books - to a look at healthy, life-giving relationships and the power of Good and Love. I worry that the content of Twilight - an impressionable, self-loathing teenage girl finding meaning by falling in love with an emotionally unstable and overprotective pair of young men - is unhealthy for the youth community to read. What sort of message does it send? Besides wait until marriage to have sex (AT 18!), what does Twilight teach its readers about love, friendship, and life? That nothing else matters but the one you believe you love. That you're only worth what the one you love tells you you are. That well-meaning friendships don't mean anything with the one you love. That family doesn't mean anything unless it's the one you love's family who just wants to protect you. I don't think that every teenage girl out there who reads Twilight will immediately give it up to the brooding kid in the corner - but many will emerge from the reading experience with very skewed, unhealthy ideas about what love means. And will give it up to the brooding kid in the corner.

In conclusion, I wish Twilight only the best movie success. Whatever. But for the love of God - how could we ban HP from public libraries and now be teaching this drivel in school? I need answers. Also, an A on this paper. Thanks.

*reinvented - see totally stole the idea from every vampire romance before her.

** sorry, I learned persuasive debate techniques from rap-offs. Yo' momma!

I've been Adventuring!

Remember when I dangled that tantalizing list of weekends (in the midst of a bitch) where I was GOING PLACES and DOING THINGS!?

A wise Megan once said "I feel like a journal is a lot like God. You don't use them unless you feel really crappy." (and then a wise Gwen quoted it, too, so a wise CSmith will now spread the word full forward).

I have been adventuring, I have been! So here's my tale:

Tale the First: A Wedding in Boston
It begins with an early flight. The shuttle picked me up at a very early hour - I slept on my couch in my clothes not wanting to miss it! The flight itself was uneventful and THEN I was in Boston! Andrew and I met up at the airport and headed for the.. shuttle to the T. It was a very lucky thing that I was traveling with Andrew, since the metro systems everywhere bow down to his presence and arrive when he does. 2 transfers on 3 lines only took us 40 minutes. I mean. That's good!

We got to the hotel, found Matt and Alie and got our stuff all moved in. I was to stay with Alie and the Bridesmaids that night while Andrew stayed with Matt and the men. (So generously, we were given our own room after the wedding!) The day was a whirwind of last minute arrangements and lunch and rehearsing the ceremony. We were told to walk VERY slowly. That's about what I remember. That and Matt cracked up a bit during the rehearsal. :)

Then it was the Rehearsal Dinner at Legal Seafood at the hotel. The speeches were incredibly sappy (I know I gave one) and the food - now, I'm not usually one for seafood but this. was. MMMMMmmmm. So good. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Yes, in fact - lunch, then I will return to story.

Mmm - where was I? Oh yes, the wedding!

We awoke bright and early to get our hair did by Alie's aunt. My ponytail got curled. Then we waited and waited and waited until 3 or 4pm when we could finally put our dresses on because the photographer had arrived! Off to the tiny chapel (so adorable) for the wedding itself - limo ride = awesome - and we... waited downstairs for the upstairs to be ready. Oh - didn't say before - Alie looked so beautiful in her wedding dress. I know that's a given, but awwwwww. WEDDING then RECEPTION then SLEEP then back home. That's about how fast it went. I remember dancing, and I remember eating sweet potatoe something and delicious cake but beyond that... I don't remember.

Tale the Second: NYC!
This tale begins on a dark and rainy night. It's mid-October, just after business hours, and your intrepid traveler is waiting for the Megabus with what must be the passed-over cast of GREEK and some very rude people with some very rude umbrellas. Finally, the bus arrives and 6 hours later (not 5 as advertised) CSmith is dans NYC!

Unnnfortunately, Kirsten and Andrea were having a little trouble with the subway - ie: IT SUCKED so yours truly braved the big apple and tried out the subway on her own following Kirsten's VERY SPECIFIC directions (because you just shouldn't be vague about the subway). I MADE IT! TO THEM! THEY FOUND ME! I DIDN'T DIE! That night...

Apparently Mullen had a harrowing journey to her hostess's place. me, not so much! Kirsten's flat was close and cute - all of the bedrooms in this small Brooklyn apartment were lofted, so it was really neat and really surprisingly spacious. After a few giggles, it was sleep.
While Kirsten was at work, Paradis and I explored the town's sights. Radio City Music Hall, Rockefeller Plaza, annnnd the NBC store. I met up with Callie Kimball (missssss herrrrrr) at NBC and did a little catching up and NYC checking up! Mullen met us there later and we bought out the store. OK, no, but I did get enough to get a discount on my The Office tote...

MIKA CONCERT (after a traditional NY pizza and a traditional half-our-group-got-lost) Awesomeness. Followed by midnight Karaoke in a tiny Korea-town near Penn Station.

Day 2: Meet TWOOD!for coffee, and Where the Wild Things Are. Mullen and Paradis wave goodbye. :( Angelyn and Kirsten and I hang and then Kirsten and I see Angela's Mix Tape courtesy of new friend ROSY! (Rosy was also a bridesmaid in Tale the first). It was a very cool show, too!

Then it is my turn to leave. :( I'm no longer afraid of New York! I could totally live there now if I didn't mind the anti-spaciousness and the crowdedness, and the poor-ness (what's different? Space.)

Tales the Third (Renn Faire & Halloween), Fourth (DE), Fifth (Detroit) and Sixth (Staunton) to follow!

How to tellyour Bird's Gender

Step 1: Get the bird at a young age, from a breeder who is "pretty sure" it's a male.
Step 2: Love the bird. Name him Bill. Laugh at his antics.
Step 3: Repeat Step 2 for 14 years.
Step 4: Notice that Bill is acting oddly, but think not much of it.
Step 5: WITNESS YOUR MALE BIRD LAY EGGS - THEREBY PROVING IT'S FEMININITY
Step 6: Have a really difficult time referring to Bill as "she"

Oh, yes, this all actually happened. Gruesome details ensue - but I will white them out.

All last week Bill puzzled me with being quiet (this, from a bird KNOWN by our neighbors) and trying to cuddle into my hair. Odd, yes? Bill's an odd duck - er - Quaker Parrot.

Yesterday Bill was cuddling on me, as usual, when I noticed an odd wetness on his rear. Flipping him over, I saw that it was crusted poo. Lots of it. This being a health concern, I called Andrew (still in Detroit) who told me to call his dad. The dad tells me it sounds like diarrhea, which can be really bad for birds - so to feed him Kaopectate and get some antibiotics from his store. I return from the store to find Bill's rear has swollen grotequely and is now oozing blood. Scared, I call up the dad again, who has no idea and tells me to see a vet.

The closest vet doesn't see birds, but sets me up with Best Friends in Gaithersburg who can see me in 4 hours. At this point, I know I'm not going to work today. I return Bill home, shut the cats in the bedroom, and weep quietly, worried about our little green man. I call the dad once more just to make sure there aren't other options, but he's got nothing - unless, his employee says, Bill is a girl trying to lay eggs.

Bill is 14 years old, and has been Andrew's pet since childhood. Though we've never had the sex confirmed, it seems we're about to be told.

I call an avian pet store to check - who says that it is indeed what it sounds like - Bill's laying - and the best thing to do is to get him ... er... her into a very warm room and to keep HER calm. So I run some hot water in the bathroom, turn on the heat lamps, and waited. Didn't have to wait much longer for the first egg-thing to splat next to my foot, and soon after that a second on the counter. (Bill's not a very careful momma).

The vet (we did keep the appointment) said that somehow, for some reason, Bill... er... Belle? suddenly felt the need to lay because she was stimulated sexually. We've always cuddled her on our chests, fed her from our plates and ... yes... mouths, and maybe aren't the best at keeping a regular schedule at home, and all of these together somehow (magically?) triggered a response from the bird. Laying is very difficult (it's like friggin childbirth!) and if a pet bird thinks it must lay, then she will continue to produce eggs until she damages her own organs, drains her bones of calcium, or hurts herself some other way. Bill is now on a hormone regimene, must be kept in the dark for 12 hours a day (12 hours of light as well), and can no longer be cuddled below the shoulders. Hopefully this all shall pass and the next half of Bill's life with us will be less eventful but no less loving.

I'll tell you, though, I was TERRIFIED. It was... gruesome and horrible! There are pictures, but I will not share them.

Bi-monthly bitch-fest

Do I even keep trying?

Things keep happening and I keep not knowing about them. I hate Hate HATE how stuff in this town works mostly by being in the right place at the right time. I support theatres, I see their shows, I pay what I can and spread the good word of mouth, I upkeep my internet socialality, I occasionally step out with people who remember I exist BUT WHAT AM I MISSING?!

Granted, for 2 weekends I had responsibilities that kept me from volunteering for projects for a company I really want to work for, and even kept me from seeing the shows, THIS TIME. But everywhere else I see the same people getting asked in again and again and I'm still struggling to be seen. Readings are all I can even hope for this season since everything's cast and I missed the cut.

So just tell me what I'm doing wrong. I can change. I want to change. What I don't want to do is metro all the way across DC for drinks (which I can't afford). That's about it. So go on. Tell me what I'm missing. PLEASE.

Booked Up Weekends!

Well, Andrew's back in Detroit.

Plus side, I'll see him at Matt and Alie's Wedding Extravaganza this weekend, but we'll be in seperate rooms until after the two are married. Ah well, at least I get to see him.

After that it's no more Mandrew until after Thanksgiving. And I don't know if I can afford another impulsive trip this year.

I am, however, planning an impulsive-ish trip to NYC next weekend to see A$, Kirsten, Kosmo, Angelyn, Julie, and maybe even a couple more! Should be quite fun. We're seeing MIKA next Friday night, but Friday day and Saturday are all up to us! It's bound to be awesome.

After that, it's another Renn Weekend with Reichelt and Lee! Dress-up Edition!

And after that, Halloween.

And after that, I'm going home to DE to see my family and Becca and maybe even Mrs. Emmons! I feel like I never see Becca enough...

And after that... we'll see if I have funds for an anniversary weekend in Detroit.

And after that, Thanksgiving.

And after that, Andrew's home! Things will finally slow down at work, and we'll plan our whirlwind tour of Family Visits and Wedding #2 (Anto and Emily) for the holidays!

But by then it'll be ass-cold so I can wait. :)

meanwhile, read up on http://drownmybooks.blogspot.com if you want to be up-to-date on my nerdiness.

Seeing a lot of theatre, lately. SEEING a lot of it. It's good to take a break to see all the people I really should be keeping better in touch with (like when Dre Bacchus visited for a day? That was AWESOME!) but I miss acting. I'll just live vicariously through GLEE until then. Don't Stop Believin'! (That's our wedding song, now, btw!)

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over

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